You dropped your kid off at college a state away, hugged them a little too long in the parking lot, and drove home to a much quieter house. Now you're left wondering what's actually going on in that dorm room. Are they doing okay? Would you even know if they weren't?
If your college freshman is struggling, the signs are rarely dramatic. They're small, easy to miss on a phone call, and a lot easier to catch in person. Here's what to pay attention to, what to say, and what to do if your gut tells you something's off.
The Phone Call That Says More Than You'd Think
Start with something simple: a 15-30 minute call or FaceTime, without an agenda. Not to check-in on grades or to remind them about laundry or the dentist. Just a conversation.
Ask open questions and then let them talk. Some good openers are:
"What was the best part of your week?"
"Who have you been hanging out with?"
"What's been the hardest part so far?"
The instinct to coach, direct, or fix is strong, especially when you hear something that worries you. Try to resist it, at least on the call itself. Your job in this conversation is to listen and let them know you're glad to hear from them. Save the advice-giving for when they ask for it.
Signs Your College Freshman Is Struggling
Calls only tell you so much. Most 19-year-olds will say "I'm fine" whether or not that's true. Visiting in person, even briefly, gives you a much clearer read. A few things worth noticing:
Appearance. Are they keeping up with basic grooming? A missed haircut isn't a crisis, but a noticeable change from their normal routine is worth a gentle mental note.
Their space. Is their room reasonably lived-in versus completely neglected? Are their sheets ever washed? Is their backpack or folders in some kind of order, or does it look like nothing has been touched since move-in day?
Community. Did they join a club, a team, a study group, anything? Are they actually showing up to it, or did the enthusiasm fade after week two?
None of these on their own mean something is wrong. Kids figure out laundry at different speeds. But if you're noticing several of these at once, or a sharp change from who they were at home, it's worth paying closer attention.
When "I Just Want to Come Home This Weekend" Becomes a Pattern
One trend we hear about often from families: freshmen who stay unusually tethered to home. That can look like spending most of their free time gaming online with high school friends instead of making new ones, or asking to come home most weekends instead of settling into campus life.
A weekend home here and there isn't a red flag. But if it becomes the default, and it seems to ease up as your student moves into sophomore year, that's often a sign they're leaning on the familiar because the new hasn't felt safe or comfortable yet, not that something is permanently wrong.
If You're Seeing the Signs, Here's How to Actually Help
If a few of these signs are stacking up, it can feel like a dicey topic to bring up. The last thing you want is a fight with your student that leaves them feeling more isolated. Here are a few low pressure ways to offer support:
Offer to cover something for parents weekend. Whether it's a haircut, a massage, or a nice dinner out, a low-pressure offer to pay for a service they wouldn't normally treat themselves to can open the door without feeling like a confrontation.
Offer to be a "helper" for a few hours. Instead of a lecture, try: "It sounds like a lot has been piling up. Can I come be your helper for a couple hours? I'll drive you around, we'll knock out laundry, grab shampoo and the stuff you're out of, and get you a haircut if you want one." It reframes the conversation from criticism to support.
Remind them (and yourself) this doesn't mean they're failing. A messy room or a rough first semester isn't a sign your kid can't hack it. If they push back hard when you bring any of this up, that's a normal part of them asserting independence, not a red flag on its own.
Save the Big Conversations for Breaks
The middle of a stressful semester isn't always the right moment for a deep conversation about how things are going. Breaks during the school year, when everyone is a little more relaxed and not mid-crisis over a paper due at midnight, tend to be a better window.
Use that time to ask real questions: How is managing everything on their own actually going? What's been harder than expected? What do they wish they'd known before move-in? This is also a natural moment to talk honestly about what you've noticed, without it feeling like an ambush.
When It Might Be Time for Extra Support
Sometimes a caring conversation and a helping hand for a weekend are enough. Sometimes they're not, especially if your student is dealing with something like persistent anxiety, low motivation, or trouble managing the day-to-day logistics of independent life (what's often called executive functioning).
If their school offers counseling or academic coaching and they're open to using it, that's a great first stop. If the school's resources are limited, or your student doesn't want to use campus services, individual therapy or executive functioning coaching outside of school can help.
Here's where it helps to understand how this works for out-of-state students specifically. Because our therapists are licensed in Texas, we're only able to continue an ongoing therapeutic relationship with a client while they're physically located in Texas. Once your student is settled into life at an out-of-state school, we can't be their regular therapist from here, and we won't pretend otherwise.
That doesn't mean we step out of the picture. We can:
Support you, the parent, as you navigate this transition and figure out what kind of help would actually serve your student
Help connect your student with trusted in-state support near their campus, whether that's in person or virtual
Refer families to executive functioning coaches, who, unlike therapists, are able to work with your student across state lines
Offer solution-focused sessions during summer and school breaks, when your student is back home in Texas
Small Things That Help From Any Distance
A few lower-lift ways to stay connected and supportive without hovering:
Schedule your next visit together before you leave the last one. Having a date on the calendar, whether it's parents weekend or an upcoming break, gives both of you something to look forward to.
Send a gift card here and there. A DoorDash or campus dining gift card lets them feel like they're "eating for free" for a night, no strings attached.
Adjust your expectations for what "doing well" looks like. Plenty of genuinely successful college students don't change their sheets much their first semester. Independent living is a skill like any other, and most kids build it gradually, not all at once.
The distance is real, and so is the worry that comes with it. But you don't need to be in the same state to notice when something's off, or to be the steady, supportive presence your kid comes back to when they need it. Small, consistent efforts, an honest phone call, a weekend of help, a conversation over break, go a long way.
If you're noticing signs your student is struggling and aren't sure what kind of support makes sense, Second Wave Counseling is here to help your family in this new stage.
Not sure where to start? Book a consultation and we'll talk through what you're noticing, then help you figure out the right kind of support for your student, and for you.
